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for most protected post.. pw is in my msn name: *********! without exclaimation mark.

weak!

I have been refusing to give in, to myself.

Just when its becoming unbearable..

I jump in joy seeing his msg. Sigh.

还是害怕不经意听见你的消息..

因为心还是会隐隐作痛.

i am a failure, really. i typed a status post, then backspaced. i type a twitter post, then backspaced. i open xxxx msn’s window, i typed, then i backspaced. i compose a msg, then i backspaced.

apparently i was looking for somewhere to vent it out. i wanted to talk to a friend..

actually it really wasn’t too serious. it’s just a little pain.. it’s bearable.. it will be okay tmr.

but.. i need a clear mind to focus on something else now, so i need to vent it out. i need to get rid of the pain, immediately.

processing the random thoughts.

I have so many things going on in my mind that I can’t simply update my status, so here it goes..

- I feel like packing my luggage and leave.

- I’m so tired, my whole body is aching!

- Status and twitter have taken over blog that everyone no longer blog. very sad thing, I feel. Blog is more elaborated, more feelings.. Status is just.. Too ‘commercialized’.

- What do you think of average of 25odd year old guys having plushies/soft toy in the office? Not just 1 guy have it, but 3. Totally not cool.. Not at all manly. ><

- I think I'm not in the same frequency as those in the office. I am glad its a 1mth assignment. Please let me get a job where I belong.

- I so feel like turning back time so I can stay longer in the bank and not quit for a fucked up job. But if I hadn't quit and went over, I won't know it was that fucked up. So, I think its better to fast forward and see how I tided through these period.

- I always say I never regret quitting without a job. But I have never admitted how badly the experience traumatized me. Work phobia. The thought of working freaks me out when I was looking for a job.. I feel useless. I didn't know what I can do. I was not confident I can do what I thought I could anymore. And that, I think I keep screwing up interviews because, who would buy it if you had doubts yourself? 'Can you do it?' 'Er… Yah……………. I………………… Can.' WHO WILL BELIEVE?!

- I think the fact that I am openly saying this means I am recovering and moving on, which is damn good thing. But I wasted many chance in many banks, so I have to wait for some time before I can reapply. Eeeeeks.

- Though halfway there are people that distracts me, and I have good feelings for.. The attention still went back to him. I still miss him. But at least now, my mind is over my heart.. Most of the time. Haha. When I see him.. Then its hard to say..

- I didn't come up with any resolutions this year.

- I need to regain all my determination, confidence, and everything else.

- Thank 'you' for always criticizing me.. (Or is giving feedback a better way to put it?) From hairstyle to clothes to shoes to anything and almost everything? They always say that when someone gives you feedback or criticize, its all for your own good. It scrap my self esteems off, bit by bit. Maybe it came together with the period that I lost my confidence so everything was accumulated and totally killed me. But its okay, I learned to be more self conscious, I try to dress up and look better more. And I got to learn it is important to balance praises and criticizes/negative feedbacks.

- I've never feel so much pressure to 'answer' to someone before. Not even my mother, not even my boyfriend(when I have one). Its amazing, its so not me.. But fret not, cos I am learning to break free from it.

- I am so freaking tired, I think I should stop.

Great job!

Seriously, what have I done? All the efforts.. Gone?

I resisted the urge to go.. I concentrate on what I should be doing, to worry and focus on more important things..

But just a few times and I am here thinking about him again.

Not like I don’t have other things to worry about. I don’t know am I just unlucky or what? Cleared so many rounds of interview only to get stuck at final interview for a few companies.

But me being me, I don’t like the fact ‘its luck’ so I started to think its me. And when I can’t figure out what I did wrongly at the final interview, I’m starting to doubt my capabilities. I’m starting feel useless..

I don’t know if its cos I’m at the fragile stage that all this nonsense came to me again. Or was it cos of seeing him again. Or simply cos previously he was attached and I just keep curbing the feeling. Or all.

But whatever the case, I am already very bothered about my own career directions.. And now I’m having him occupying my mind again? Awesome. *roll eyes*

day 3 in bkk – start of solo adventure!

after much procrastination, i’m finally in here typing posting about my bkk trip in june. -.- and why do i bother when i could have just upload all the pictures in fb? cos i don’t know if fb is just a passing phrase like friendster which one day will be forgotten.. so i dont wanna rish it being forgotten and rather have them in my blog. haha!

spend the morning having breakie with the rest at our hotel before they head to the airport and i head to my new hotel/hostel. the idea of hostel sound scary to many.. but i’ve done my research and i’m relatively happy with what i got~ 

arrived before the checked in time means i can only leave my luggage at their store and being me, i don’t like the idea of putting it in the store for the entire day until i’m back and done with my day.. so i proceed to the nearby mall first.

and it so happen that they are having some cosplay event!

my first adventure: interact and request to take photos of the locals!

totally love how they pose for pictures!

this spiderman damn steady one ok?! he keep doing stuns like this for me to take. hahaha!

this little boy is shy when i initially try to talk to him.. but when ask to take pictures, he starting posing. super cute right?! hehe!

after i finally feel the heat kicking in, i went into the mall which apparently have nothing much in it except many bookstores. prolly some bookstore hub or something. heh.

so i proceed to my hostel soon after~

the pretty lift! i love the oriental feel lah~ and view from corridor.

took the golden master themed room!



lobby reception and the room! if i’ve spoken to you about the ‘dark area’ of the toilet.. there is it.. the shower area. eeeeeks. i won’t be able to see it when i shit.. and it gives me the creeps. hahaha! click for larger picture!

head over to chatuchak market after i settle down. heard many horror stories of cabbies sending you to where where where to get their commission before sending you to your destination and all.. but i still took a cab cos i was too lazy. apparently i kept my eyes on the map, making sure we are of the right direction and ready to jump out of the car if needed. (yes, i know.. damn paranoid.)

poor cuties. they sell these at chatuchak and night market..

the only picture i took there. it was too hot that i didn’t even buy alot of things. yes, chatuchak and i didn’t buy much. how nice!

going with the flow of the train stations, i decided to go.. suan lum night market!

there isn’t much stuff there imo. mostly handicraft and overpriced regular items. :/

had my first meal after breakie at hotel in the morning. the weather was so hot that i drank so much water and totally have no appetite for anything. this pad thai suck.. big time. i think you can easily find nice pad thai in sg.

call it a day after suan lum..

it’s only 8.30pm and this was how empty the stations are already. scaryyyyyyyy. no wonder everyone ask me not to stay out too late alone.

so my day ended with roadside stall chicken wings which i forgotten to take a picture of.. and..

medium sized yakult! heh.

i didn’t finish half the pad thai because it’s not satisfying enough. and that night, i officially fell in love with roadside stall’s chicken wing!

I hate to say this.. But why does it seems like everything is going the wrong way?

I’m starting to think its me. Or maybe I am magnet for assholes, of both gender that is.

I don’t feel like fb-ing. Maybe I will be more active at twitter and here.

june escapade to bkk! – day 1 &2

my long awaited trip to shopping heaven! it was suppose to be in april but postponed due to the riot.. so there we go in june~ smack right in the middle of my messy period. niceeee.

soooooo i did a very out of mind thing.. to extend alone without letting my mummy know. :/

the next thing i love other than the plane taking off, the 45 degree tilting and landing is..

the clouds and.. snowflakes! hehe! cuteeee right?!

Day 1 – pratunam mall + market and night market near mbk area

arrived at our pretty hotel at nana area.

citadines!

afterwhich our first stop is.. pratunam mall!

.. to replenish energy! these are from the foodcourt at the top level. super yummy and cheap! the mashed potato is somehow different from what we have in sg and it’s super nice!

shopped at pratunam mall and market before heading dinner at roadside stalls.

food was yummy too! it does seems like no matter where you go, the food are still yummy.

last stop is night market near mbk area~

night markets are dope in bkk!

day 2 – chatuchak market, mbk + night market, thai massage, det 5.

apparently i leave for with nothing but money and phone because they are known to have alot of pickpockets. :/

chatuchak is amazingly huge and filled with many shops. down side is, it’s hot. the amount of water i drank is.. wahhhhhhhhhhh! LOL.

head over for bbq ‘lunch’ at like 2 or 3+. i cant really remember the name of the shop, bbq something or what. it’s not hard to find cos it has a dinosaur outside it’s shop! hahah!

after our very late lunch, the girls went to buy food items which i happily buy along only to remember i extended and i should buy on the last day. zzz.

mbk for food item, and the night market~ then back to hotel before going to thai massage near the hotel.. and lastly, det 5 for super late dinner at 1 am singapore time.

cosy place which reminds me of plasma. the people seems like mostly regulars. haha.

loots for 2 day.

as you can see, i get less disciplined as days go by overseas. :/

some random stuff i love in bkk~

cheap swensens, roadside quail egg, bigger portions of yakult and lemon grass drink!!

will continue my solo adventure soon. i hope.

Unspoken words

Turn off the radio
Turn off the lights you know
听见了谁的痛 在空气中
不断跳动 又那么沉重

Turn on your favorite song
Turn off what I did wrong
听见了谁的伤 在窗户旁
安静的想 是什么力量

你 有没有爱过我
有没有想过我
有没有 有没有 也会有一点心动的时候
但是说不出口
有没有 后悔 还是只有我

Turn on the radio
Don’t wanna care anymore
也许没有承诺 比较轻松
也不会有 沉重的枷锁

Turn off your favorite song
Just like there’s nothing wrong
也许时间一久 就会遗忘
就真的当 是误会一场

你 有没有爱过我
有没有想过我
有没有 有没有 也会有一点心动的时候
但是说不出口
有没有 有没有 有没有
有没有
有没有 有没有 有没有
Turn off my radio

Is this song written for me or what?! LOL. Almost every single sentence of this song seems to be for me.. Except that there’s no 承诺. Haha!

By right, I should be dying to know them. But this time I don’t even know if I want to know the ans to what was sang/asked in the song. Very unlike me! Given my past experiences.. I would be dying to know, without fail.. I would like to know even if its all over.

Maybe I chickened out this time, that I am afraid the truth hurt too much. Or maybe I’m still in denial.

‘Its time to let go..’ ‘Move on..’

I always smile it off.

Maybe its me who refuse to close the chapter and move on.. Maybe I still hope for something..

Maybe I can’t, for now. Maybe it all caught me off guard and I don’t know how to react to these affairs of the heart. Because I never thought my heart would beat like this again, that my heart can take over my mind..

Or maybe its..
D) All of the above!

Thinking back, it really feels sick. Nothing to do with him, just how stupid and silly I behaved. Its scary to have your heart over mind. At least not if its one sided? Lol.

I don’t know what will happen next or how long more will all these last. It feels funny to have someone popping up in your head so frequently and the very moment you open your eyes. I haven had this for so long I already forgot how to handle it. Lol!

But it really all doesn’t matter if it continue as long as I can cope with it and do what I should. That’s all I hope for.

If I can be granted a wish right now, I won’t be surprised I will go ahead with the job related one.. That’s what I should, isn’t it? (But I won’t be surprised too if at that moment I actually turn irrational and chose to turn back time or hope for something to happen. Hahaha!)

Sigh. In all reality, there’s not wishes to be granted and so I can pin hope on both eh? HAHHHAHA!

I’m starting to not know where this entry is heading. I have been having insomnia for the past 1 week.. And today, prolly there’s disappointment from other areas.. Which I am not mentioning ‘that’ today.

I’ve heard ‘I can see that you really like this guy.’ That’s from a girlfren who’s with me for 8yrs, who almost know me inside out. And I am sure many others would agree whether anot they know who the guy is.

I could call or msg someone to talk about this and ‘that’, but I don’t like it. I don’t want to bother anyone unless its really serious and I need to talk to someone at that moment.

I chose to rant/whine it all here so you people have a choice to alt-f4 or click on the ‘x’ to close and shut me up, literally. I don’t like the fact that I am all affected, and I believed many of my friends too.

But bear with me, I need to get these out somehow.. You have the freedom to not read aye?

P.s: I know the ‘feel’ of some part/words tak match the entry. But I don’t like it to be too emo. :/
P.p.s: bing don’t feel bad about the song. It won’t/didn’t make me more upset nor does it make me think more.

High-ness aftermath

Jay’s concert cut queue in my blog.. I have my bkk and hk trip in my draft waiting to be completed and published. But.. Oh wells.

Anyway, the concert is fantastic! Loved the effects! Totally bring my love for jay to a new high. Woot! But I really wanna slap myself.. I didn’t bring binoculars! Simi sai?!

Nvm nvm.. What’s done is done. The concert made me smile non stop from 7pm.. Big grin since 830pm till 11 odd. And back to smiling my way home.. I thought I will need 镇定药or something so I can relax and sleep. Haha!

Then damn bloody itchy fingers! Sigh. It always hurt the most when you looked back. It hurt so fucking much in fact. -.- Why did I do that to spoil my damn high mood?

Now I feel super depressed. I don’t know if its the heartache from looking back or the aftermath of being too high. I hope its the latter. Must be! I must be too sad that the concert ended, that I didn’t get to shake his hands, that he is leaving soon. Must be.. It better be.

Went through my pictures and videos from the concert.. And its not helping, only made me smile a little. Kao. I need no chill pill anymore man. The high-ness is gone. Damn it!

Will post the pictures soon, I hope. :/

a moment of weakness

then again, what is a moment when i’ve been weak all these while.

i’ve never doubt that i will be ok. this time, i did.

but i must be crazy to doubt it.. because i will be okay eventually. every one will be okay eventually no matter what happen. whether it take 1 day, 1 month, 1 year, 1 lifetime..

of cos i will be.. just how long will that take.